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Nov. 18th, 2005

"Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgment that something else is more important then fear.
The brave many not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

Firstly, if you found this then youmust realy want to read my journal... This post is all out of order. I think that is a good way to do it. right now I'm typing this were I would normaly be typing the closing. It helps to type things out then you can figer them out a bit. I have alot of a bit of problems that I keep hiting like a brick wall. ((I wish they were made a little softer it hurts to keep hiting them like it do))

Reality is…
Dreams are no longer a very day event, but something that is locked away. The playing and care free times is replaced by work and stress. Just wanting to play with friends and be happy and frolicking around is the feeling of drifting a part to other paths of separation, not being a good enough of a friend, or getting left behind.

In high school, I never though of failing or not succeeding at what I was doing; now that is all I do is worry about failing or missing up or waiting for something to go horrible wrong. I don’t want to mess things up. I go in to things with such high hopes of doing something with myself. I don’t consider what if I mess it up then when I do. It feels like another part of my bridge is crumbing. The at bridge use to be undamageable and now with the littlest down fall it falls apart. I use to hide behind things. In high school it was sailor moon the klutzy girl with a happy smile, bad grades, great friends that managed save the world. Now I’m just a girl who gets awful grades and can’t see a future for herself. It could be the fact that I’m not in high school anymore. I have to decide were to go from here. The problem is I don’t know how. I hate just jumping it to things. What if I stick though Santa Fe and don’t get in to the graphic design program or I’m lucky enough to get in and then realize that it is all wrong. As they say ‘Time is Money’. Then all of that work would be for nothing. Instead of climbing up a ladder I will be sliding back to the beginning. All the fear that I have of failing is stopping me from doing anything and becoming that I dread. I see this but I can’t seam to do anything to not be.

~then that quote popped in my head~ If you have read this far then you probaly is asking yourself what is going on. Don't worry your not alone I doing the samething. Oh well, This ends this I have a paper to right.


Painting toes

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